i’m off for crime preventer training #UgBlogWeek

I’VE BEEN reminded by a couple of kind, caring friends in socialmediasphere that I need to lose weight.

One of them used some brilliant metaphor as you will see here:

White Boer Pig

Which made me think about something else – someone wise within the family came up with a suggestion a few weeks ago that struck home the fact that he is a sensible young man who has been raised quite well – and I will soon be sending his parents a congratulatory card to that effect.

You see, we have this family gathering every August at which we generally celebrate many events all rolled into one. The preparations and set up energies have increased in complexity over the years as everyone got hitched and hatched kids, so these days the run up to the main event is quite frantic.

So this young man suggested that instead of us running things the usual way and gathering up all the family contributions a month or so to the celebration, what if we invested in something like a piggery (other religions, read goattery <—eh, that doesn’t exist…make it goat herd) right now, and every month contributed small amounts towards animal rearing?

That way, since we all consume meat one way or another, we could make our regular purchases off our own investment at a profit, and then closer to the celebration day we could sell off all we need to fund the fete.

Very wise – if only we thought like this every day we would be wallowing in hard cash, animal slop aside.  And if what Mr. Wapa above suggests is true, then we should target white boer pigs (real ones, not the likes of me)…

But back to the point of this – I need to lose weight – the second gentleman who raised my weight issue did so in passing, referring to the wrong size of my trousers.

My trousers are okay, though, it’s my shirts that are a little bit tighter these days.

So I am signing up for some heavy duty exercise – by joining a Crime Preventers Training Programme.

I saw photographs from the pass-out parade in Mbale last week and there is no doubt that the training works wonders.

Of course, I am already aware of the types of exercises I need to undertake in order to give my shirts some independence – see, I even have proof:

White Boer Pig response

And I know how to do sit-ups, and crunches, and other exercises reputed to do wonders for the abdomen – I know that people refer to “abs” these days, but I don’t think I am fit enough to say the word so and make it believable.

I feel I am so overweight that if I said “abs” in public I would elicit the type of reaction you get when you hear a child say a swear word.

So, back to my remedy: I’m off to enlist as a Crime Preventer.

From what I’ve seen, they don’t have t-shirts in my current size so even if my only motivation is a free t-shirt I will have to get with the programme.

There should be benefits besides the smaller belly and free t-shirt. Security in my neighbourhood and around the office will improve; I won’t be taking any nonsense from the askaris who don’t check cars properly at entrances, the definition of crime might soon include spelling and grammatical errors, and I will save money rather than spend on the gym.

I just hope that there is an evening programme, so that I can still go about my daily struggle and then fit the training in after that (including the children’s homework).

Yye how many days or weeks or months does the Crime Preventer’s training run for?

About seven weeks, according to one media report – meaning if I started in two weeks I’d be done by Christmas Day.

(Cue thought of approaching Christmas lunch with a flat stomach and zero judgemental statements in the air round my ears. Bliss.)

And while I went through these idle thoughts I decided to google the arrangement and found that there is a surprisingly up-to-date (relative to most others) website for this programme – http://ncpf.ug/.

I’ve sent an email – I’ll keep you posted on developments or invite you to my pass out ceremony.

5 thoughts on “i’m off for crime preventer training #UgBlogWeek

  1. You do know that Museveni declared there’d be no pay for crime preventers, right? Not even those medals which are going round like the plague.


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